Last Updated on June 24, 2019
3. Drink Wine (just for appearances)
Some people may think that drinking wine will give you the illusion of being elegant or sophisticated. They are absolutely right. It does. You will look superior to all of the other boozers in the bar. They will think you are cultured and refined, incapable of becoming stupid or sloshed. They are obviously wrong about your character, but you are only going for appearances here, therefor creating this illusion is really all that matters.
If you really want to impress, just order something off of the wine menu that is hard to pronounce (perhaps something Italian or French?). Even if you don’t pronounce it correctly, if you say it with poise and confidence, they will only be able to assume that you did. Now, with that said, don't forget tip#1: Unless you're wearing dark clothing, order white wine. But, not Moscato. Please do not order Moscato.
4. Keep Your Words To A Minimum
If you do start to find yourself with that intoxicated feeling, chances are, your brain-to-mouth filter is not functioning properly, so consider keeping your words to a minimum. Also, only use words that you have used frequently in the past; you should be able to say these words without as much of a slur. Whatever you do, just don't try to sound too smart. Use phrases like “yes, please”, “excuse me” or “thank you” often. Your kindness and charm will distract people from the fact that you’re hammered.
5. Only Pee In A Toilet
Although I didn’t mention this first, this is probably one of the more important rules of being drunk: only pee in a toilet. Yes, you heard me. Unless you are wearing an adult diaper (this is another issue for another post), any other area that seems like an acceptable option at the time, probably isn’t. You don't have the coordination needed to master peeing in a bottle or a shrub, no matter how good you think you can do this without exposing your bush or peeing on yourself. Always be aware of where the closest and most convenient bathroom of your own gender is located. (There may be some instances where a sink may be used as a toilet, but these circumstances are very rare, so use your best judgement.)